Friday, May 28, 2004

Pages from a Diary

'It's terrible. I grow lean
in loneliness,
like a water lily
gnawed by a beetle.'[i]

Saturday, August 4: Sometimes we meet a stranger -- just another ship in the ocean of life -- and we feel a strange connection. I felt that way. He came into my life, when I was tired of fighting my battles on my own and I wished there were somebody I could share everything with. He struck a chord somewhere in my heart and, even before I knew what was happening to me, I had fallen in love with him. He shared my values and convictions (or so it had seemed) and now, as always, I am left wondering what could have been. I had been in my little romantic dreamland -- dreaming of reading 'The Bridge Across Forever' in bed with him, laughing over Jeeve's antics together, holding hands with him at 'Lord of the Rings', learning to make 'kheer' because he likes it, looking forward to him picking me up from work in the evenings, falling asleep and waking up in his arms, holidays in the mountains cuddling with him, walking along the beach with the waves kissing our feet, long drives always ending with kisses...

Bipasha shook herself out of a self-destructive reverie. I will go to pieces if I keep thinking about him, she chided herself. He is never going to be mine, no matter how many nights I spend crying over him, she tried to reason with herself. He never was mine in the first place. I thought it would be different this time -- but it never is, is it? Oh well, she told herself, life has to go on and I'll just have to pick up the pieces and move on -- as always. It is hard pretending to the world I'm fine when my heart is breaking and I feel like crying my eyes out. Acting nonchalant and saying 'plenty of fish in the sea' was easy, but you still don't stop pining for the fish that slipped out of the net… life was so unfair!

'Your love seemed to last even longer
than time itself. Now you wave your hand –
And suddenly your love for me is over!
That is the truth in five words!'[ii]

Thursday, October 4: Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why do I get caught in this vicious circle of love and loss -- again and again? He never promised me anything, he never committed anything. And yet, I dreamt of a whole future for us. Every time I think this is IT, I've found my Mr. Right, everything crashes like a house of cards. I've had enough heartbreaks and enough 'Can we be friends?' to last me a lifetime.

Bipasha's eyes filled with tears as she remembered. She had subconsciously known, from the day they had met, that their relationship spelt doom. Yet, she couldn't help falling in love with him. She had reproached herself, again and again, in her diary, for being aware of the impending disaster, yet plunging headlong towards it. He had told her how conservative his family was -- Tamil Iyers -- who wouldn't even dream of letting a Bengali daughter-in-law darken their door. “She is not a Brahmin and she eats fish, for Gods' sake,” his father had thundered! Oh well…

Wednesday, January 23: It's a new year, a time to forget the past and move on. Sometimes life just 'seems' so perfect -- my love whispering 'I love you' in my ear and covering me with kisses, and then... come back to the real world with a thud!

Bipasha flicked the page, smiling sadly. She remembered that evening like it was yesterday. That magical drive with him to Mysore -- a starry night and that long road ahead -- empty apart from the two of them. Walking around the gorgeous palace in Mysore during the day, they had been lost in each other, seeing everything with unseeing eyes, their whole world centred on holding each other's hand, as if in a silent promise -- I'll never let you go. On the journey home in his golden car, the one he was so proud of and spent almost all his spare time making a fuss over, there was the soft whisper of the chilly December wind, otherwise silence. They were lost in their own world, willing that the night would stretch ahead of them forever. She had come alive in his arms that evening. It was like a homecoming -- the warmth reassured her, his kisses fired her imagination, his every caress, his every word etched in her mind for always. And, she had thought…

'I like my body when it is with your
body. It is quite so new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
I like your body. I like what it does,
I like its hows.'[iii]

Bipasha sighed and went back to her diary…

Wednesday, March 7: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' He wrote that to me today, telling me not to cry, to read and reflect. This was the first time he said in so many words that it was over. I've been such a fool, as naïve as ever, building my own castle of dreams. And now he's gone -- away from me, away from my life -- being a realist, doing his family's bidding -- marrying a 24-year-old nice Tamil Brahmin girl his parents chose for him.

Bipasha mused to herself, whoever had said 'It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all' had probably never been in love. How else do I explain the tears that sting my eyes whenever I think of him, she thought. What is love?

Tuesday, March 13: To me, love is waiting for him to come home to me for lunch. Looking at my watch and wondering what he's doing. Going to a wedding and dreaming how ours would be. Cuddling a baby and wishing it was ours. Calling him up to talk to him and then just revelling in the sound of his voice. Flipping through South Indian recipe books, trying to learn to make 'avial'. This could go on and on -- I wish I knew what he's thinking now…

Bipasha shut her diary and promised herself -- I'm not going to wallow in self-pity anymore. How easily men move on, leaving us to pick up the pieces! I loved and trusted him too much, she told herself, and he just never measured up. He just walked out of my life without even a goodbye, without even a backward glance to see if I would pull through. My tears just keep pouring and writing in my diary is catharsis for me -- a means of flushing out all the pent-up pain and anger. I miss you my darling, I miss you very, very much. I just want you to know, wherever you are, that you made me very happy for a little while. And I wish you all the happiness in the world … pity I will never be able to share it with you…

[i]Kaccipettu Nannakaiyar, translated by A.K. Ramanujan
[ii]Marina Tsvetaeva, translated by Elaine Feinstein
[iii]e.e. Cummings

Disclaimer: This story is a complete figment of my imagination, it's not based on any individual's personal experiences.


  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger iauu2pprs04veiy said…

    St0ck For Your Review - FCPG

    Current Profile
    Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG)
    Current Price $0.15

    A U.S. based-company dedicated to the goal of
    bringing effective security solutions to the marketplace.

    With violent and white-collar terrorism on the rise,
    companies are starving for innovative security solutions.

    FCPG is set to bring hot new security solutions to
    the industry, with currently over 40 governmental and
    non-governmental contracts, being negotiated.

    Please Review Exactly What this Company Does.

    Why consider Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG)?

    Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG) holds the exclusive
    marketing rights from Keyvelop, to sell the world�s
    leading encryption technology to be distributed directly
    to the Healthcare industry in North America.

    Faceprint Global Solutions has completed its biometric
    software that recognizes facial features of individuals
    entering and leaving through airports, ship yards, banks,
    large buildings, etc.

    FCPG acquired Montreal-based Apometrix Technologies,
    which enhances the companies mission of being a
    full-service provider to the multi-application smart
    card industry. The North American market appears ready
    for significant expansion of price-competitive, proven,
    multi-application solutions on smart cards. Apometrix's
    forecast of over 300 customers and sales of more than $50
    million in North America over the next five years, appears
    very realistic, according to company management.

    Faceprint Global Solutions is currently in contract negotiations
    with over 40 governmental agencies and businesses seeking to use
    their encryption, biometric, and smart-card technologies.

    Breaking News for Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG)

    Faceprint Global Solutions (FCPG) is pleased to announce that
    IBM will now offer the world�s leading encryption software to
    its major Healthcare clients in North America.

    With FCPG owning the exclusive North American rights to distribute
    the worlds leading encryption and transmission software developed by
    Keyvelop, FCPG is poised to capture large volumes of sales generated
    by customers currently using IBM�s software in the healthcare and other industries.
    �This is a very positive move for FCPG and for Keyvelop,� said FCPG
    CEO Pierre Cote. �We are very happy about the decision to go with IBM.
    This is a continuation of the progress made by everyone associated
    with FCPG and its partners.�

    Buell Duncan, IBM's general manager of ISV & Developer Relations commented,
    �Collaborating with Keyvelop will ensure that we develop open solutions
    that are easy to maintain and cost effective for our customers in the
    healthcare and life sciences industry.�

    Among other things, this new software technology which is currently
    being used by a number of European healthcare companies, is used to
    send any file, regardless of format or size. Encryption keys, evidence
    of transmission integrity with fingerprint calculation, time-stamping
    of all actions and status record updating, pre-checking sender and
    receiver identities, validating file opening dates are part of Keyvelop features.
    About FacePrint Global Solutions, Inc.

    FCPG operates a business, which develops and delivers a variety of
    technology solutions, including biometric software applications on
    smart cards and other support mediums (apometric solutions). FCPG�s
    products provide biometric solutions for identity authentication and a
    host of smart card- and biometrics-related hardware peripherals and
    software applications. Apometrix, FCPG�s wholly-owned subsidiary, combines
    on-card or in-chip multi-application management solutions with best-of-breed
    �in-card matching� biometrics. Keyvelop�s secure digital envelope solution
    and Apometrix�s on-card biometrics work together to produce the winning
    combination in the fields of security, traceability and identity management.

    The examples above show the Awesome, Earning Potential of little known
    Companies That Explode onto Investor�s Radar Screens. This sto,ck will
    not be a Secret for long. Then You May Feel the Desire to Act Right Now!
    And Please Watch This One Trade!

    GO FCPG!

    Information within this email contains "forwardlooking statements" within
    the meaning of Section 27Aof the Securities Act of 1933 and Section 21B of
    the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. Any statements that express or involve
    discussions with respect to predictions, expectations, beliefs,
    plans, projections, objectives, goals, assumptions or future events or
    performance are not statements of historical fact and may be "forward
    looking statements". "Forward |ooking statements" are based on
    expectations, estimates and projections at the time the statements are made
    that involve a number of risks and uncertainties which could cause actual
    results or events to differ materially from those presently anticipated.
    We were paid a sum of three thousand USD to disseminate this information from
    ir marketing. Forward loking statements in this action may be identified through
    the use of words such as "projects", "foresee", "expects", "will", "anticipates",
    "estimates", "believes", "understands" or that by statements indicating
    certain actions "may", "could", or "might" occur. Risk factors include
    general economic and business conditions, the ability to acquire and develop
    specific projects, the ability to fund operations and changes in consumer
    and business consumption habits and other factors overwhich the company has
    little or no control. The publisher of this newsletter does not represent
    that the information contained herein are true and correct.

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger kevinfrie53671295 said…

    Make no mistake: Our mission at Tip Top Equities is to sift through the thousands of underperforming companies out there to find the golden needle in the haystack. A stock worthy of your investment. A stock with the potential for big returns. More often than not, the stocks we profile show a significant increase in stock price, sometimes in days, not months or years. We have come across what we feel is one of those rare deals that the public has not heard about yet. Read on to find out more.

    Nano Superlattice Technology Inc. (OTCBB Symbol: NSLT) is a nanotechnology company engaged in the coating of tools and components with nano structured PVD coatings for high-tech industries.

    Nano utilizes Arc Bond Sputtering and Superlattice technology to apply multi-layers of super-hard elemental coatings on an array of precision products to achieve a variety of physical properties. The application of the coating on industrial products is designed to change their physical properties, improving a product's durability, resistance, chemical and physical characteristics as well as performance. Nano's super-hard alloy coating materials were especially developed for printed circuit board drills in response to special market requirements

    The cutting of circuit boards causes severe wear on the cutting edge of drills and routers. With the increased miniaturization of personal electronics devices the dimensions of holes and cut aways are currently less than 0.2 mm. Nano coats tools with an ultra thin coating (only a few nanometers in thickness) of nitrides which can have a hardness of up to half that of diamond. This has proven to increase tool life by almost ten times. Nano plans to continue research and development into these techniques due to the vast application range for this type of nanotechnology

    We believe that Nano is a company on the move. With today�s steady move towards miniaturization we feel that Nano is a company with the right product at the right time. It is our opinion that an investment in Nano will produce great returns for our readers.

    Online Stock trading, in the New York Stock Exchange, and Toronto Stock Exchange, or any other stock market requires many hours of stock research. Always consult a stock broker for stock prices of penny stocks, and always seek proper free stock advice, as well as read a stock chart. This is not encouragement to buy stock, but merely a possible hot stock pick. Get a live stock market quote, before making a stock investment or participating in the stock market game or buying or selling a stock option.

  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger lisaharolds4591 said…

    I read over your blog, and i found it inquisitive, you may find My Blog interesting. My blog is just about my day to day life, as a park ranger. So please Click Here To Read My Blog

  • At 10:14 AM, Blogger edwardmartin9283617981 said…

    While you read this, YOU start to BECOME aware of your surroundings, CERTIAN things that you were not aware of such as the temperature of the room, and sounds may make YOU realize you WANT a real college degree.

    Call this number now, (413) 208-3069

    Get an unexplained feeling of joy, Make it last longer by getting your COLLEGE DEGREE. Just as sure as the sun is coming up tomorrow, these College Degree's come complete with transcripts, and are VERIFIABLE.

    You know THAT Corporate America takes advantage of loopholes in the system. ITS now YOUR turn to take advantage of this specific opportunity, Take a second, Get a BETTER FEELING of joy and a better future BY CALLING this number 24 hours a day.
    (413) 208-3069

  • At 5:27 AM, Blogger ji831 said…

    hey, I just got a free $500.00 Gift Card. you can redeem yours at Abercrombie & Fitch All you have to do to get yours is Click Here to get a $500 free gift card for your backtoschool wardrobe

  • At 4:35 AM, Blogger tq0j46 said…

    hey, I just got a free $500.00 Gift Card. you can redeem yours at Abercrombie & Fitch All you have to do to get yours is Click Here to get a $500 free gift card for your backtoschool wardrobe


Post a Comment

<< Home